Cancer in Love

Once they learn not to bring up childhood, parenting, or fear of poverty issues before the third date—or after that third Margarita— Crab People think they will do just fine at relationships.

They do find it very tricky to separate mind from body. Often they can’t stand to be touched unless they feel loved and valued… sex opens their third eye and they need someone willing to sit and listen to their crabby spiel.

Even when they are simply indulging lusty appetites they attempt to justify the scenario by pretending that they are in deep love. This can obviously be troublesome.

These are deeply romantic creatures. The Duke of Windsor—briefly King Edward VIII—abdicated his throne for the love of Wallis Simpson, an American divorcee (and Gemini!) whom he could not have married as a king.

Plenty of them are so sentimental that they wind up in “I gave my life savings to a pole dancer” type of tabloid stories.

The women excel at convincing themselves that the strong silent hunk they’re unrequitedly in love with resembles a bodice-ripper hero more than the inarticulate control freak he is in real life. Worst case scenario: Crabs get themselves into a hideous relationship because their spouse needs them.

She-Crabs also have an “I’m every woman” thing going on. He-Crabs like to feel that they’re not like the others. He demonstrates this through a willingness to perform decades of oral sex or a nonstop analysis of your former lover’s foibles… whatever it takes. They like to feel that they can really relate to women. Once they meet their soul mate, Crab People are ever-doting, forever fascinating partners, and are highly in demand among unhappily married friends.